I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
