im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
