Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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