I feel great
I just peed on a car
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
