Im at strip club and am horny
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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