I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
