yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
