it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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