he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
