i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
