i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
