Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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