new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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