a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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