so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
