You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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