i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
