At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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