went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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