Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
