Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
