I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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