hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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