enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
