I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just invented taco cereal.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
