i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
