I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
