Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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