I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
