Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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