I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
