My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
