ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
