im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You dont lie about slip and slides
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
