My Higher Power is John Stamos
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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