I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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