I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
