why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
