If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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