How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
