can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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