I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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