I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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