Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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