He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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