I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize
