Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
