I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
