Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
