i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
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