I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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